Where would we be without ICQ?
by: Bob-0

Have you ever had to go for a week without ICQ? It really sucks, I know. But it's become such a common-lace thing that the phone has become obselete, we put up with some horrible spam issues, and we actually tell people to meet us on there instead of calling them. I'm on right now, in invisible of course (thank God for it), and I'm not talking to anyone, but just having the little flower with eye in the middle in my toolbar makes me feel like less of a social outcast as I sit in my room eating Totino's Pizza Rolls and watching the history of torture on the History Channel.

I hate these new versions they keep throwing at me, every single update there's a new damn button at the top or bottom, and now they're getting to the point where you can't get rid of some of them, that really irks (look it up!) me. But they still make you feel like your Contact List is fully customizable, but it isn't. I mean sure different colors and sounds are neat, but these groups are the most useless things EVER! It just makes getting all my messages, yes I'm just that popular of a guy, a pain in the gludious maximus. Yet, I feel like I must utilize this option, just because they include it with the program.

Every week I contemplate getting rid of this program, and I always tell everyone that I hate it, but I know I don't have the cajones to take it off of the good ol' C:\ drive. It's sort of like a scab on your face, you hate it, everyone can see it, but you'll never pick it! Why? Because you know it'll make a huge mess all over your nice white carpet, then it'll just scab over later anyway. (I hope you caught the symbolism there, with the scab being ICQ, the horrible bloody mess being blotches in your social status, the nice white carpet being your social status, and the scabbing over being the reinstalling of ICQ.) Sorry for explaining that, but it was far too genius let you ignore it.

Then there's always the spam, and it's always from Jen telling me about her damn webcam. I know 2 people named Jen, and they aren't the types to send mass messages about being naked, they're God-fearing, upstanding, citizens of the US of F'n A. I find that sending these Soul-less pagans messages back just makes you get 2 more messages. So unless you like porn scams, keep your witty remarks to yourself. Just like with Email, I can't remember a time where I talked to these mysterious women that go to Mardi Gras, set up webcams, and make sweet love to the neighbor's dog (yes it was an actual message!).

I mean a lot of good relationships have come out of ICQ, but I can see a single good one that lasts BASED on ICQ. I hate to see it, but it happens, just use the phone or meet in person, electronic text is only entertaining when it comes from www.Flatlinecomics.cjb.net (tell your friends!). I find that talking to anyone on ICQ anymore, sucks compared to the real world, plus as a wise man once said: "These outdoors have nice graphics." They beat my monitor any day!

Some people's ICQ info really cuts through me like laxatives to an anorexic. I just people listing everything whom they think are "cool," I mean last time I checked, I didn't really care, and that was pretty recently. And now I may seem contradictory when I say, Cool people lists are OK, if I'm on there, which happens more often than not. Then there are "deep" quotes, they all suck, mine are all from songs and/or comical people, such as Batjew. And then I read the inside jokes, sweet God their sooo annoying. Or when people type in all çl-lŮĩ'I'Ê® map.

Yet there are others that think they have the power to be total ding dong faces and not talk to you, or say rude and horrible comments. Just because there’s a couple miles of space in between us doesn’t mean I can’t kick your ass in public next time I see you, or have Ryan do it, either way you deserve to die. Or in the case of my poor friend Joel who said hi to 9, yes 9, not 8 or anything lower/higher, and they didn’t say one word back to him. Now if it happened to 2 or 3 I’d say there was a connection failure, but 9? I think it was “I Hate Joel Day,” though that’s just about every day with me.

If you think I hate ICQ, you're correct, if you think I'm getting rid of it, you're crazy. Don't try and make sense of it, just know I'm a hypocrite and contradict myself worse than authority figures. So I ask you: Are you as powerless as I? If so, send me a message "Plz!"