School Retreats

Wow, nothing better than a day away from classes you say, yet a still perfectly accountable day at school. What could go wrong? A school retreat that's what. Having go to a Catholic School our retreats or as some may know them as field trips were Jesus oriented.

I'm not Satan, yet, but really now. At the beginning we always take time to learn everyone's name, which is hard I have only went to school with most of the people for close to 11 years and having classes of upwards of 60 people, that can just be confusing; for an idiot.

After learning everyone's names that we already know there is always a mind captivating activity with the always-underlined moral behind it. Such as stupid puzzles hanging on a wall. With which I chose to misinterpret intentionally just to irritate the retreat manager, whom is usually some odd church go-er hoping to find their place in the world or something to do after their crack fiend children move out.

After my faked dyslexic disorder the leader had identified me as a "real joker." Idiot. After that we have some me-time, a little time for us to fill out a paper on whether we find "Pepsi Parties" cool or not. Oh you ask what a Pepsi Party is…I did the same thing, apparently it's a hip way to say swingin' party, minus the brewskies. After tallying up my answers it appears that I need to pray more or something, because I cant worship God with baggy pants on or something like that.

Another situation I was put in during a retreat is we had to make name tags, and we got to decorate them. After doing one of the given papers to see where I fit into society and how wrong I am I saw one of the answers as being "Mr. Super Cool," as a way to describe yourself I'm presuming. Inevitably I decided to put that on my nametag. Doing this comes in handy a little later during this specific retreat, which I will now elaborate upon.

After several disappointingly cliché activities that insulted my freedom of thought I decided to sort of do my own thing. One thing lead to another and the leader or whatever leaned down to read my nametag in order to give me a proper chastising to only find the name "Mr. Super Cool" sketched across my chest like a sign; a sign that said "You lose idiot, get a real job" in bright neon letters. Oh life doesn't get much better than that, by the time my eyes had tiered up from laughing at her she managed to threaten to kick me out of the retreat if I were to smile again during the entire day. That seems fair to me, especially since I would rather be outside playing by myself. Dancing with Satan, especially since I was already equipped with my baggy pants and ample amount of chin hair, which disallowed me from making a connection to God.

Another fun part of EVERY retreat when you're a teenager is the always sort of awkward, but never disappointing sex speech that the head of the retreat always gives. I personally enjoy them immensely, this is were the leader, in this case Ill use a Priest tries to break it down, and get funky fresh with us. I myself will now "break - it - down" for ya'll in a couple steps on how the sex, or anti sex speech goes.

1. There is a always a weird outdated video from the late 80's to early 90's where the abstinent yet super cool main character stops the movies and talks to us about what's on, the DL or whatever. In this video there are always insultingly outrageous "first person" perspectives or comments on sex. One of which a young man describes and orgasm to chocolate milk. I don't care who they are letting into public schools these days but no one thinks in their head, "hmm sex, or a frosty chocolate milk, what will it be?" unless they are prompted in order to be made example of by the priest in charge.

Also in the movie STD's are carried by everyone who has ever had sex before; everyone. What a filthy place they get these actors from. Also it is doubly pointed out that condoms never have, and never will work, in any situation, ever. Even in hypothetical situations made up on the video.

2. Then we get good and comfortable, and prepared to have a "rap session." In this rap session the retreat leader sits on a table, some place that isn't usually a chair, so they look cooler. Whence on the table there is a futial attempt at a joke to break the ice then they whip out some sort of "letter" they had just received from a friend, or other child in search of spiritual guidance. In this letter they present us with several of their personal problems, such as "all the kids are doing it" and so forth…

Now at this point the group leader, or as I have now come to call them, mein Führer reads us his response letter. In this letter he makes sure to let the distressed youth know that he is special, and no one else is like him; but at the same time all youths experience many of the same problems. Also we come to a startling decision which is no, in fact, not all of our friends are "doing it." That's where we are shocked and amazed, then we look to our friends in shock and amazement yet again.

And that's how we break it down ya'll. Tru dat yo, drugs and sex are all wack n shit.

Next we get to have a snack, this sometimes comes before the sex talk, but I'll just place it afterwards in this write up. But usually the food blows, it's from some slum pizza place down the street that offers 40 pieces for a buck and a ride into town. During lunch we get to go outside if we eat everything quicker than everyone else. Which is about the best part of the day.

Well school is almost out, so thanks for that, not too many more retreats left. If there are any I'll be sure to give ya the 411 or however the kids say it, until then have a fun time and remember, on the Ryan Guthridge experience you can expect fast paced action and inverted aerials.