In this newest and BEST comparison I shall compare the 70's sensation Tony Orlando to a dying sea otter trapped in oil-as you can clearly see by the pictures provided. In this report I shall pit them against each other in 3 categories: The first of which being sex appeal, the next being musical quality and finally the dreaded flammability test. Who will come out on top you ask your neighbor? Hold on to your seat and prepare yourself for a ride into the musical unknown.

By luck of the draw the sea otter has won the rights to my heart and the prestige of being the first subject to be examined. In the first category sex appeal, I was first thrown off by it being a sea otter, and being smothered in oil. Then I realized how great a scarf it could make, and also how neat it would be to make slippers out of him. I don't know what it was but this sea otter is hot, real hot. I quickly fell in love with the sea otter, not the love between me and a fine woman, or even between me and an older Belgian prostitute, something special. And he therefore received a generous eight out of ten.

The next test: musical quality. This was a toughie; I had never heard the sea otters traditional songs before which I will add are almost as memorable as the black spiritual hymns of the late eighties and early nineties. After one or two frantic cries for help, I was hooked. I now purchase underground tapes of dying see otters to quench my insatiable thirst for sea otter music; I now simply sit back in my favorite chair, light up a fine cigar, get out the wall street journal, and indulge to sounds of panicked sea otters. Sometimes for hours upon hours; I therefore gave the sea otter a nine out of ten rating.

The final test: flammability. In this test I simply lit a cigarette laughed for a few seconds and flung the still burning match I used to light my cigarette into the water the sea otter was gently playing in. Although the sea otter was surrounded by water there was a thick film of oil on top of that water, without further description I award the sea otter a dissatisfactory four out of ten on the flammability test.

Now I shall move onward to examine Tony Orlando. In the first test, Sex appeal I could hardly contain myself. Now I'm not gay, but I feel kind of funny every time I listen to Tony Orlando's signature song Candida; which I'm sure all of you have heard many times. Each time he sings "Just take my hand and I'll lead ya I promise life will be sweeter 'Cause it said so in my dreams." I feel that my heart may be torn from its miniscule cavity in my body and begin a violent bloody dance of lust. In conclusion Tony Orlando is a mullet away from being Billy Ray Sirus and therefore is rewarded a nine out of ten stars.

In the next category of musical quality I feel that it is no finer than the 1973 release of "Tony Orlando and Dawn - Prime time." If you are looking for a song to be sung throughout the ages look no further I believe the name says it all, when you pop this cassette in get ready for two sides of pure Prime Time Orlando, I feel no more is to be said, ten out of ten stars for Tony.

The third and final test: Flammability. To start off all accounts hereafter are purely fictional if Tony Orlando is to burst into flames, or has burst into flames it shall be through no fault of my own. If I were to go about it, and this is hypothetical, I would probably wait until about three o'clock in the morning when he would be sleeping. I would then cut off all power going into his trailer to diffuse all necessary security necessities for the greatest performer of this or any generation. I would then throw a brick through his window with an attached note that says "look outside" on it. When he would happen to look outside I would sneak in through the front door. When confrontation is made I will place him into a burlap sack and put him in the trunk of his 87' Chevy Celebrity. When I would happen upon a cliff I would merely reuse the brick with the note on it by placing it on the gas peddle. I would then proceed to open the driver side door and tuck and roll out the open doorway; therefore leaving the car to speed off the road and down the nearby Cliffside. After rolling into the fetal position and crying until around 5 a.m. I noticed that the entire car had been incinerated and Tony was no were to be found. I therefore must give him a poor one out of ten stars on the flammability test.

In conclusion the sea otter barely wins this comparison by scoring a phenomenal 21 stars defeating Tony Orlando who scored a respectable 20 stars. With this newly found information I would like to take a moment to notice all you young kids to the newer sexier Mrs. Kunkle (Look out!) and make a brief warning that on the Ryan Guthridge experience there will be inverted aerials and fast paced action (not for those with heart problems).