The Great, Greek, Alabama Wedding

By:  Bob-0

     You'll never want to marry your sister, that's for sure.  Sadly, in Alabama, ignorance is almost never a legitimate excuse for marrying a relative, it's never believable anyway.  Though, most of the time, you don't need an excuse for marrying in the family, call it disgusting, but that's culture.  I can think of at least one example where an excuse was DEFINITELY needed...

     It all started down in the desolate swamp town of "Hey Ya'll!"  And our boy Emmit was gettin' ready for the big day...He had just shot his first buck.  Then next to him was his brother Wesley, he was gettin' hitched.  Betty Sue, Wesley's sister and suspiciously Emmit's wife, was pulling his curly mullet into a ponytail.  Wesley hates getting dressed up real nice, and he ESPECIALLY hates it when someone messes with the mullet, but he was too nervous to care.

     Wesley was getting hitched to a nice girl named Brittney, a she was purty indeed!  To prepare for the event she dyed her hair blonde, that was 2 months ago, so now her hair roots were brown, and the bottom was blonde, simply gorgeous.  Though one nice thing I can say is that she washes her hair everyday!  But in order to wash your hair everyday in 'Bama, you have to be able to afford a bottle of Dasani and a bar of soap, pretty rare.

     The wedding seen was lavish, at least by Alabama swamp standards.  There was no center aisle, the 2 families were suspiciously amassed in the middle of the clearing, because of this confusion the processing had to move around the family.  The rag-weed clearing was surrounded by black, knee-deep marsh.  This fecis-like pudding was full of crickets, snakes, and gators...romantic.  Two twisted, dead trees were bent together, forming an arch.  The whole ceremony was held under this sad excuse for anything.  Off-white ribbons were strewn about, and those ribbons weren't getting any cleaner.

     The family started showing up around 2:00PM, despite the foreboding clouds.  Everyone there seemed surprisingly jovial, each one wearing sparse-toothed grins.  There just happened to be no musician, so 3 of Wesley's cousins:  Earl, Dean, and Lewis, just hollered the wedding theme for the whole ceremony, truly awful.

     The priest, who was the only normal person there, started the procession.  But then the hideous parade of lazy eyes, mullets, and 5:1 teeth to person ratio never seemed to end.  The whole ceremony was poorly done because Wesley, Emmit, and Betty Sue had never known their parents.  Hell, Emmit and Wesley didn't even know Betty was family 'till she and Emmit tied the knot, they aren't very bothered by it.  And so this kept going on and on when, finally, Wesley arrived at the altar.

     And so Wesley stood at those dead trees, he stood for minutes, and then hours.  The cousins had stopped hollerin' due to cotton mouth, the family had picked up their revolvers and cartons of cigarettes in order to leave, when finally in trudged Brittney.  Her "sort of white" wedding dress was all muddy, but her combat boots were even worse.  In her hand she held a piece of paper.  By this time the rain began to fall, things were looking grim.

     So Brittney handed Wesley the paper, it was a family tree.  The family put down their implements of death and took a seat, boy were they 'cited.  Wesley opened the paper, he was sweating like a pig (though pigs have no sweat glands).  And thus Wesley's bloodshot eyes scanned the muddy paper, he saw names like Reuben, Billy, Bill, Bill Bob, Bob Bill, etc.  When, finally, he came across his own name.  So he stared for a while, and slowly his eyes drifted up the paper to see the name Brittney.  He was just about to marry his mother...