As I walked out of the vault I was startled by 2 guards giving each other sign language, obviously they were deaf, and they probably had pretty poor eye sight.  This sort of disappointed me; they gave 2 deaf and nearly blind guys the job of guarding one of the craftiest thieves in history.  Instead of unleashing the art of Tai Kwan Do on these poor saps, I calmly pummeled them with the 2x4 in the fridge.  So after that awesome feat I continued on my way down the long, dark corridor.

I continued walking in the darkness, looking for a bathroom to use; heroism sure is trying on the bladder.  I found a women’s bathroom and decided that it was the best I could do, so I entered.  After I was done taking care of business I left the room and continued down the hall, only to be startled by a large door opening and light pouring into the area, I quickly ran back to the women’s room and hid.  But just as I thought I had evaded danger, 3 people walked in the door.

So into the restroom walk 3 female ninjas, covered from head to toe in black latex, I would’ve checked them out if I weren’t scared out of my mind.  My plan was to stand on the toilet seat in the 4th stall, it was just common sense.  My hopes were high until I heard ninja #2 say, “This toilet is broken, I’ll have to use the last stall.”

Out of instinct I yelled "Oh hell no!" and fell into the toilet, oh how graceful I am!

"What was that?" asked ninja #1 "Let’s kick its ass whatever it is!"

And kick my ass they did, the 3 ninjas ripped open the door only to find me standing in a urine filled toilet, shaking like a constipated wiener dog.  Despite their laughter, they showed no mercy.  They dug their nails into my chin and pulled me out of my urine soaked hell, all the while they were yelling "Rape!"  The only thing I can remember thinking was "I need a new cup."

Chapter 3