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The funniest thing in my life


My one friend and I went into this restaurant and he orders the chicken fingers and I ordered the soup of the day. The restaurant was a little mom and pop store in the shape of a silver trailer in the middle of the city. It was dimly lit in the back where we were sitting and the lights slowly progressed into bright the closer to the bar you got.

I remember that because during our conversation I would glance up to the bar to see if the food was coming and I would have to squint every time. I have trouble paying attention to a conversation so on several occasions I would look down to the black and white checkered floor and notice that some of the whites looked to be gray in the darker areas of the diner.

After about 15 minutes of conversation my friend and I got sort of quiet and luckily at the same time the food found its way to our table. Their presentation of the food was a little eccentric but I thought it a nice change from the usual.

When laying the food on the table they had large silver plate covers atop our dishes, I assumed to keep the food warm. They first unsheathed mine, and the sweet steam rose to fill my nostrils, I was hungry.

Next they took the plate cover off of my friends dish exposing a human hand! Upon doing so two disco balls lowered from the ceiling, strobe lights started shining, and techno music turned on. Then the entire restaurant stopped, the music was halted, the strobe lights were frozen and the entire restaurant looked at my friend in anticipation. There WAS a human hand on his place, atop a large leaf of lettuce and a lovely parsley garnish.

At the height of the silence a fat man on a motorcycle came in through the window with a shotgun in one hand and the throttle in the other. He hit the ground sideways, blew the head off our waiter and spun the tires out coming in our direction. With his burley man arms he hoisted my friend and I to the back of his motorcycle and told us to hold on tight, and tight I held on.

He then revved his engine, shifted to second, did a willy and we crashed through the other window in the shop.

We hit the ground hard and I was pressed even closer to his strong man back. I let out a squeal of delight as he took us through a dark wooden area until we reached a clearing. When we were in the middle of the clearing he stopped the motorcycle and turned it off.

Everything was quiet except the loud cry of the cricket. He dismounted the motorcycle and looked at us. We looked back half afraid.

All of a sudden techno music and strobe lights went off again and I looked to my friend and asked, "What the hell's up with all the techno music." His head turned towards me and he nodded, never taking his eyes off the burley motorcycle guy dancing to techno music.

The big motorcycle guy then tore off his tight leather vest exposing his hairy chest. Myself at the time had a pint of Galikers milk in my hand that I found in the middle of the woods, and I was drinking. Hairy motorcycle guy then fell to his knees, and began gasping. Not long after that, still on his knees he thrust his shoulders and head back and an enormous light from the heavens came down and went into his chest. His eyes then rolled behind his head and he started shaking, his rib cage was then torn open and his body limply fell to his right side.

Shortly thereafter my friend and I looked at each other, and looked back to his body, three squirrels crawled into his chest and started stealing his organs. We looked at each other again and began laughing uncontrollably, the milk I was drinking shot out my nose and we both fell to the ground holding our sides. We rolled on the ground for a good five minutes just laughing; I thought I would die if I didn't stop to get some oxygen soon. Then my friend and I composed our selves, stood up, and just started laughing again as the squirrels started filling his body with chestnuts and tiny stones.

Thereafter my friend and I started singing "Come on Eilene" by Dexy's Midnight Runners, Remember that song (I know I do)? Boy that was a fun time, and I'm sure everyone here can relate, thus concluding the funniest thing that has ever happened to me.