A Day in the Life of a Madman

By: Bob-0

     The earsplitting silence was iconoclastically destroyed by the sound of "My Girl" on the radio.  The boy, who likes to be called "the man," found the symptoms of sheer listlessness creeping up on him like some damned dark marauder.  So of course he dismissed the concept of school and went back to his meeting with his buddy, the Sandman.

     The second awakening came with a jolt of pain.  The boy's mom had realized his brilliants plan to attain more sleep, and she was irate to say the least.  So a slap to the face is what the boy got, and a slap to the face is what the boy deserved.  The clock read 9:00 AM, it was 2 hours later than he should've slept.  So the idiot...er uh Boy threw off his leopard print sheets and got dressed...He was indeed a true mack daddy.

     Before he was dressed he had convinced himself that it was Pimp Day at his CATHOLIC school.  Thus he wore green and yellow striped flare pants, an off-white wife beater, and on top of that he had a purple vest/coat with a fur collar.  And just as he scooped up his keys to head to school, he dawned his cane and top hat, and he uttered "I'm one bad mutha...shut yo mouf."  And with that he put on his shades, blasted "Night Fever" by the Bee Gees and backed out through his unopened garage door.

     So he drove on and on, the trip to school seemed to be going as usual until the boy came across a tunnel which definitely wasn't there before.  Once he got into this brightly lit tunnel he began to feel very adventurous, so of course he decided he was going to do some tricks.  He flipped his car off the sides of the tunnel as though it were a half pipe.  Once at the end of the tunnel, he crashed through a peculiarly placed pane of glass, hit a well-placed ramp, crashed through a large, flaming hoop, and landed in the school parking lot.  The people were cheering his name and showering him roses.  And just as he was at the height of his glory, he was pricked by a rose and he fell to the ground.

     I suppose the problem with this is that none of it actually happened.  The sweet tunnel was simply an old lady's farm house.  The tricks on the half pipe were merely the boy crashing through the lady's meticulously organized knick-knack shelves.  When the car crashed through the glass, it was a storm window; the ramp was a wheel barrow,  the flaming hoop was his own ignited car going through a barb-wire fence.  He actually did land at the school, but instead of there being crowds, there were policemen;  instead of roses, bullets; and instead of getting pricked by a thorn, he was shot.

     Lo how the sting of the roses thirsts for blood, and the boy lost a lot of it; so much that he passed out.  That's when this whole situation got WEIRD.  He awoke in a pink hospital, surrounded by piles of snow.  Though it was around 100 degrees in his room.

     Once the boy came to, he began to check his surroundings.  The walls had been splattered with paper Mache, the Mache had been molded in several screaming faces.  Then, one began to speak.

"Hey boy, you lookin' real sick."

"Sick?"  asked a quite skeptical boy, he'd never trusted paper Mache faces in the past "How so?"

"Well, you aint never had no arms never less." Replied the face.

"Huh?"

"You missin' yo arms!" Explicated the now furious face.

      This stirred intrigue in the boy, so like most of us, he checked.  And the face was right, he was indeed armless.  You think you would notice huh?  This angered the boy, and in his blind rage he yelled "You did this to me you pink faced son of a bitch!"  And while sobbing loudly, the boy ran head first in the face and fell into an abyss...

The End?

      Not really.  What happened was the boy's friend, Bob, went to visit him in the hospital.  Bob was feeling mischievous, so he decided to take advantage of the boy's permanent insanity.  First, he sawed off the boy's arms.  Then, he covered his eyes in a film of Pepto Bismol.  Next, he took the boy's shredded newspaper collection and spread in a disorderly fashion around the boy to further enrage him.  He then woke up the boy and had the above conversation while moving the window to the boy's room up and down as if it were a mouth.

      Remind you of Scooby Doo?  Well if everyone of those episodes ended with Ryan Guthridge lying face-down in a dumpster, or abyss as he'd call it, then it most certainly should.  Which brings me to the point that Ryan sees fruits in scarves and talking dogs.  Plus, his uncle does own his very own "Mystery Machine." Though the kids on the block know it as the "'Hey kid do you want some candy' Machine."

     So what has become of Ryan?  Well as he fell into the relaxing grip of the abyss' medical waste, he could only think one thing:

"All in all this was a CRAZY space odyssey, who knows what the future will hold for a stud/space cowboy like me...Yeehaw...Yeehaw indeed."