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How the World Began
By: Bob-0
Hundreds of Years ago,
the earth was full of wildlife; Oceans, animals, trees...It was
perfect. In the center of it all there was a large egg, out of
it hatched God. He was a normal human then, but since he was
the first, which back then was the best and second was the worst,
(Third still had a hairy chest, thus the creation of apes.). I
know, this is utter nonsense in our of world of first is the worst
and second is the best, but open your mind!
Anyway, God was the first and the best, and he
knew it. So on his power trip he created hundreds of other
over-intelligent humans. He didn't realize at the time that
they would destroy the earth.
Millions of years
passed and some great people hatched: Babe Ruth, Einstein,
Rodger Lodge (host of Blind Date), Totino and his marvelous pizza
rolls, etc. Though because of their actions God stopped
putting people in giant eggs, why? Well, these great titans of
humanity started taking human eggs and eating the giant egg yolks
inside. God cursed them all with horrible deaths and now
people had to have sex to repopulate. Though most people liked
this better than the painful, A-sexual laying of giant eggs.
But among these Godly
beings were some less than great people: Hitler, Satan, Rodger
Lodge, Axl Rose, etc. They were a disgrace to God's creation.
So God, being merciful, turned on a blender and threw them into it.
The worst of these beings came in 1510 AD. A woman fell from
the sky a brought people Game Boy, hoodies, Chuck Taylor's, baseball
bats, and the like. And with these heavenly gifts a new order
of laziness and bat beatings was formed. It continued until
her death in 587 BC during the Industrial Revolution. The
cursed woman's name was Joan Rivers, her death was brought about
because of the newly formed smog blotching her new facelift, it then
seeped through to her brain.
After her death, there
was much rejoicing, and the rejoicing was strengthened by the coming
of Siddhartha Gautama, founder of Buddhism. The War of 1812
was halted by his pacifist nature, everyone was happy. He
decided to spread his word, so he flew from Africa to America in the
Wright Brother's plane, he finally discovered America in 1865.
While there, he taught Mexicans and Indians how farm, they in turn
taught him to read and practice Christianity.
After a few years with
the Indians, Sid decided to give lice to the Japanese because he
hated them. So in 2065 he became the first to swim the English
Channel to Japan. He gave them the Lice in 1215, when they
asked what it was he slurred his speech in telling them. He
had pronounced it "Rice," So the Japanese planted it and it grew,
thereby making Japan's national currency rice and giving oriental
people "R's" instead of "L's" in their speech.
Sid saw how he had
helped his enemies, it was shattering to him. So he
backstroked to America, he arrived in 1947. He wallowed away
his fortune and gained 200 pounds. For the next 200 years he
sat around making iron statues of his now obese self. One day
God came to visit him, he told him to "Buck up Buddy!" When he
said this he gave Sid a superhuman nudge into the liquid iron.
God jumped in the liquid to save him, pretty bad move for being
all-knowing. So the end result was a large iron statue with
both God and Sid inside of it.
This Fiasco of creation
gives us Crudism and also these innovations: poetry, guitars,
pizza, bagels, lawn darts, hedge clippers, sloths, Nintendo, surf
wax, Wal-Mart, and the list continues. Despite these events,
life has made it to today, and it shall continue until I call down a
giant laser from Heaven to destroy it.
Cordially Yours
Bob-0, esq.
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