The Joel Review:

      First and Foremost Ryan and Bob would like to discuss Joel’s laziness.  LAZY!  SO LAZY!  For one Joel’s physical appearance is comparable to Skeletor of Masters of the Universe, now Bob is no He-Man, but he at least weighs more than a hundred pounds.  We can attribute much of Joel’s lack of body mass to his scant diet, severe inactivity, and hermit like 12 hours of sleep a day conditions.  Joel does, however, have the impressive yet ferret-like ability to collapse his whole tiny body frame and cram himself in even the smallest of holes his dad punches in the wall. 

      Joel’s appearance leaves much to be desired, Bob once threatened to turn Joel over and use his hair as a mop.  Aside from being third-worldly skinny, he constantly wears tiny shirts that even Ken from Barbie would struggle to put on himself.  We know that there are other sizes that would fit him more comfortably, but he decides to expose his nipples and ribs world.  He used to wear thick, black, emo framed, fake glasses, but by an act of God they were crushed by his own hand.

      Joel undoubtedly has a pathological lying problem, because he feels he needs to make up for things and impress us all fields of everything that has ever existed.  He says he doesn’t lie anymore, but you can tell it’s a lie; we all lie from time to time.  There’s  also a rumor going around that Joel used his fake grandpa’s death to get out of a relationship, you have to give him credit for having enough nerve to do so, but sweet lord that’s a hard pill to swallow.  Moving onward…

      As we mentioned before, Joel is LAZY, MY GOD LAZY, lazier than Ryan and Bob on a Nyquil overdose.  His work ethic is comparable to a 245 pound prostitute that just can’t quite pull up those fishnet stockings.  His work experience ranges from complaining about being bored to ruining things that are getting done.  Not to mention that he sleeps until the crack of noon on any day that doesn’t precede a school day, and stays in his pajamas until dinner, whereupon heading back to bed to sleep until the next noon, vicious, vicious cycle.

      We suppose Joel’s intelligence is that of a worker of a poorly ventilated spray paint factory, and not a fraction smarter.  If it doesn’t have car crashes and/or explosions it can’t keep his attention or at least a “sweet” guitar solo.  We think Joel’s ultimate death is him riding atop a crashing, flaming car whilst playing the solo to Fade to Black by Metallica, but that’s just our opinion.  Showing Joel how to do something is like working with the handicapped, except not nearly as rewarding because he forgets everything you tell him as soon as noon strikes and killer guitar solos are dancing in his head.

      You’re probably assuming by now that we hate Joel, quite the contrary, it’s his faults that make us feel superior.  I think you’ll find Joel to be a good guy if you don’t mention anything at which he might be, or want to be, good.  Joel gets a 100% in our review, we love you Joel!